Today Amy is sharing her story with us...
Her words, Her pictures,
Her I'm Better For It
Thirteen years old and
menstruating since the age of nine.
A trip to the emergency room.
Just before my small performance
to a local theater to sing for the
first time in public from A Little Night Music,
my selection of “Send in the Clowns.”
A doctor whom was male and
very cute gave me my first pap smear.
I, a young girl in so much pain and
with a cute boy doctor, oh goodness me.
Unexplainable pain. And nothing abnormal.
So I traded in my embarrassment
and that hospital gown for that sparkly dance costume
to sing these lyrics by Stephen Sondheim,
“Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.”
Life could go on for a teenage girl
whom loved to sing, dance, and be with friends.
And it did.
But nothing wrong?
This question every month I get my period.
Pain pills and birth control pills were to help.
Yet, the pain finds it’s way back.
Drifting out and away from my center.
Sometimes I throw all my clothes off
because anything touching my skin will hurt.
Knives poking from inside my abdomen out.
I lay in bed rocking and rocking and rocking.
I would come to fear that I could not
bear my own children.
Disconnect from life and all the things that gifted me joy.
Eventually stop singing, dancing, and being with friends.
Most doctors’ words shared with me became my own thoughts...
it is in my head.
First surgery with a diagnosis of endometriosis
at 21 years old.
The Doctor zapped it all away.
A second surgery four years later
diagnosed with pelvic congestion.
That doctor would say that I had as much
varicose veins on my woman parts as a
90 year old women may have on her legs.
Really impressive, huh?
And he, whom would not compare my women parts
to a 90 year old’s,
a cute blue eyed boy would find me impressive.
I would make him my husband.
Becoming an expert in making magical hot tea,
filling up the oh so comforting hot water bottle for my belly,
and delivering good company and
conversation in my worse hours...grateful for the love.
And for those nine plus months,
I felt no pain.
My energy was “normal” and life was good.
The arrival of the beauty of the babe came.
My energy would fall to nothing.
How was I to care for this child with the pain and fatigue?
Herbs, acupuncture, massage,
more hot water bottles, more hot tea, myofascial release, writing, dancing again, painkillers,
constant support from my husband,
love from a new baby, special diets, reading books,
moving my family of three in with my parents,
detoxing, baths, music, unending motion towards something...they helped.
Yet still in darkness.
full of blame.
feeling alone and worthless.
And guilty for these feelings.
“What’s the meaning in this?”
And then, I feel a hand on my back.
Just around my heart center.
It told me, “Just move.”
And to this, I said YES!
Actively accepting that those clowns that
I sang about years ago have been in my life
with or without the pain.
I began to create movements of
encompassing love, forgiveness, and compassion.
It matters what I do with those clowns.
And so, I just move.
I grow into the softer places by REST.
I embrace the hard edges and remember
I’M NEVER ALONE.
And life shifts to moments where I stand in my truth and trust my self.
And for that, truly,
I’m better for it!
Written with small movements,
All inspired by feeling good, happy, and healthy. I am writing and sharing over at
I offer massage therapist and love to give presence to my clients as they explore self-care practices. And most recently, have become a movement teacher and dance with pleasure. There are the two cute blue eyed boys that I spend the rest of my time with.
My current explorations:
making meatless meals, bringing genuineness to my relationships,
trying to get really good sleep at night, and dreaming of good things.
Thank you Kolleen for your story and giving me the opportunity to explore mine!
Thank you so much beautiful, courageous, inspiring Amy
for YOUR story....
such power in sharing!!
If you would like to share....
could make all the difference to someone else!
please email me at: email@example.com
happy friday friends!