Friday, December 17, 2010


happy friday!  
today i feel so blessed to feature 
my dear friend Jennifer's story.  
These are her words, her images, her "I'm Better For It."

This is not a story I am proud to tell.  
I tend to keep it safely concealed.  
Ashamed to share it because I know 
that the choices I made were poor.  
The effect it had on another was large. 

            Over the years I have learned that all stories, 
good or bad, need to be told.  
Not all stories have happy endings 
or are filled with good decisions.  
Some stories are dark and riddled with hurt and pain.  
These stories are important to tell. 
Giving them a voice allows the pain to heal. 
            My story is dark and it involves another individual.  One who I dated and lived with for three years.  
This account is purely my own and is 
therefore jaded with my opinions and feelings.  
I am unable to say what he was going through.  
I do not know what exactly he may have been feeling.  
I do not know nor understand the deep plot of his story.  Possibly that is how it all went wrong. 
            From the outside we looked happy, as most couples do. 
We were so in love, 
enjoying each moment that life brought us.
  We worked together and lived together.  
We spent most of our time together.  We laughed a lot.  Played games.  Went on all sorts of adventures. 
 We had a lot of fun together.  Things seemed great.  
There were many great moments, but there were also darker ones as well.
            There were moments of feeling small.  
Unsure of who I was.  
There were moments when I sobbed uncontrollably.  

Unsure of the ground I was standing on.  
Darkness crept into my heart.  
It filled me up so much that at times I struggled to breathe. 
            It was during these three years that I fought an inner struggle within myself.  
My heart and soul revealing little pieces of who I was.  
Excited at the glimpse into this person yet afraid and unsupported in showing her to the world.  
It was a roller coaster ride of emotions.  
Happy when I found pieces of “me” and sad when I was pushed down for showing them.  
I felt like I was struggling to find my way. 
            So I choose a path 
that was not straightforward or honest.  
I choose a path that was filled with lies and deceit.  
While I was still living with this man.  Working with him.  Laughing with him.  Enjoying time with him.  While I was still with him I fell into the arms of another and I cheated on the person that I had spent three years with. 
            No matter how toxic my relationship was.  
No matter what happened behind closed doors.  
What I did was wrong.  Incredibly wrong.  
I did not even have the guts to tell him 
of the horrific thing I did.  Instead he found out because 
of his own gut wrenching intuition. 
            You may be wondering where the 
“I’m better for it” part is coming.  
I was the one who was wrong here.  
I was the one who destroyed another human beings heart.  
I definitely was not a better person for doing what I did.  
What I did was horrific and unforgivable.  
It killed me inside to know and see the powerful effect that human beings have on one another 
and how I was the cause of this destruction. 
            I know now that I am a better person for having gone through this situation even though 
I was the one to cause the hurt and grief.  
I was small then and unsure of myself.  
I was afraid to be seen and heard.  
I allowed things to happen that never should have happened.  And I caused pain that I never should have caused. 
            But it was in that moment when things ended between us that I slowly began to climb into my skin.  
I took the time to learn about myself and pushed myself through my fears.  
I opened up myself to be seen for exactly who I was, 
the good and the bad.  
It was in that movement of destruction 
that I was cracked open.  
My heart on the floor, my soul shattered.  
I realized in that movement that I 
have to always take the time to 
listen to that small voice in my heart.  
That voice is wise and telling.  
I need to listen to that voice and do so 
with grace, dignity, and pride. 
            I learned that all situations no matter how difficult 
need to be faced head on.  
When we dance around them and avoid them they end up exploding in horrific and life altering ways.  
It is difficult to put back the pieces of that explosion.  
We need to gather our strength 
no matter how difficult it may seem and be honest and open.  In this life the best thing that we can do is 
to be honest and share the truth of our story, 
our thoughts and our feelings. 

I made a terrible mistake.  
I ran from that voice and avoided speaking about what my heart was feeling.  
I looked for an easier way out.  
But there is never an easier way out.  
We must face the truth, always. 

So I am better now for 
making that terrible decision because it forced me 
to learn and grow.  
Although it is not something I am 
comfortable admitting up to I know that I 
cannot run from it.  
Rather I must give this story a voice 
and share with others what I have learned from it.  
I am better now for going through it.  
Learning from my mistakes.  
Forgiving myself for my actions and 
sharing the truth of my story.
            - Jennifer Belthoff   

you can visit jennifer here
and read her AMAZING words.
she is an incredible writer and i am
grateful she shared one of her stories with us.
happy weekend.
thank you for visiting.



  1. Once again I am completely touched by Jenns beautiful words and honest writting..I am gratefull I read this story and I love her more now...

  2. such a beautiful story and an even more beautiful woman. xo

  3. oh me oh my.
    how this reaches me.
    where's my kleenex box?
    i've already lept over
    to jennifer's beauuuutiful blog.
    i'm leaving nothing but
    hearts drawn in chunky real raw love crayon
    here for her. xox

  4. Miss K~ I love that you are doing this series. There is such power in hearing other peoples stories. Thanks for offering a safe place for these women to be heard.

    Miss J~ Thank you for sharing your story, your lessons learned, your journey and especially for sharing your beautiful words and spirit with us all! You are a true gem in this world Jennifer. MUCH LOVE scarf sister~

  5. Dear Jennifer-you are so brave for posting your story. I hope you can truely forgive yourself, because at that time, you were just doing your best with the tools that you had then. Now you are better equipped, with tools of wisdom and strength. All we can do is do our best at that particular moment and then learn and grow. I'm sure your story will help so many in that same, lost situation. Bless you for sharing your pain and for your wonderful growth. You are an amazing soul.
    Love, Kelly

  6. Oh, Jennifer - you are very brave for writing this and sharing it with the world - letting open the window of your heart and letting the cleansing air blow. I think it's so valuable that you did share your story, because it gives me a glimpse of the reason behind the behavior that I hadn't thought about before. It all makes so much sense.

    It hurts so much to break someone's heart. Once upon a time, I broke up with a guy who was totally in love with me. Scary in love. I knew he wasn't the right one and I wanted to walk away before it got too hard. I felt like I dropped an atom bomb on his heart. I felt awful for months, my only easing of guilt came when I wrote him a letter, asking for forgiveness. Our capacity to hurt each other is frightening, but it part of being human. And we all have to forgive each other and ourselves along the way.

  7. Dearest Jennifer
    You must know how much I respect and admire your raw honesty in the telling of this story. You must know how BRAVE I think you are in every sence of the word. You must know how very real and common your tale is...and how YOU are one of the wonderful few to face it head on and and share your hard learned lesson. May we all grow and benefit from your opening up. I know I will and one more thing i know...
    I LOVE YOU and EVERYTHING that has made you who you are today!

    K: you are starting something wonderful sweet love.
    Oh and TAG you're it!!!


  8. Jennifer,
    I knew there was something you were having difficulty with. I hope in releasing your story you feel the burden lift, off your shoulders. YOU are brave and a human; We all make mistakes. You couldn't open yourself fully to this person and it caused you to retreat. Someone else listened I suspect and this is how it all ended. There is a reason why this happened, to crack you open, make you stronger and be able to write out your feelings n' emotions! YOUR gift of writing can help so many people, so through the pain, came the beauty of your gift and you will help others with your kind words and this story! xXx

  9. Oh, my dear. It took so much courage both to face this and then to share it with others. And because you did, you will be a light to others.

    Sending so much love to you.

  10. awesome, just awesome. be proud - both of you! :)

  11. Brave & Amazing Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is one I needed to hear. There is so much power in releasing! I hope you feel even lighter in your skin. You are an amazing woman w/ so much light to share.

    Love & Light,

  12. xoxo many times over to you sweetie....

  13. I agree with Carissa, there is so much power in release. you release your words and they are so powerful to affect and touch the ones who love you dearly. and yes, what a brave, courageous thing you just did. wow, i am so blown away by your openness and sharing. thank you kolleen for giving jennifer this beautiful platform for opening up. what a true, honest love. my heart is full up and i'm so wanting to squeeze you with the biggest warm hug right now. love you both!!


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