Wednesday, August 26, 2009

becoming bare

so i am feeling the need to strip down a bit and bare a tad more of my personal life in this post.

i have had one of those icky, gross, frustrating days...or maybe weeks...i don't know. i feel really alone right now and misunderstood. i feel frustrated and suffocated. i feel anger and deep sadness. and in all of that, i also feel numb. i realize that sounds odd but it is the best way i can describe it.

see, i have a step-son who is autistic. He is high functioning and will be turning 13 in less than a month. i love him more than anything but would be lying if i didn't say there were times where it can be really difficult and there are those times i question if i can do it...if i can really be the step mom that he needs. yes, i can certainly LOVE him but can i truly fulfill that role of mother? i have spent some time over the last two days crying about this. he lost his mom to cancer over 3 years ago and graciously accepted me as his step mother. however, as of late he has been going through some rough patches and showing some anger that i have not been accustomed to with him. quite honestly, i am not sure how to handle it. i feel every attempt i make, seems to be the wrong way of handling it. i want, as i feel all of us women want, to be able to just handle everything, go with the flow, accept, not take all the hurtful words personal, surrender...but sometimes i just can't. sometimes i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. sometimes i just want someone to look at me and say "i COMPLETELY understand". sometimes i just want to know that how i am doing things is okay and it will all turn out okay. sometimes i don't want to do anything. sometimes i just want to be. and sometimes as my sketch shows, i just want to be HEARD, not just listened to, but HEARD.


  1. Oh sweetie i'm so sorry you are feeling like this!
    13 is a difficult age for any kid let alone one who is Autistic, it may be rough for some time but you will get through it.
    I know it's hard not to take harsh words to heart but do try not to, at the end of the day they are just words after all.

    I am sending you hugs from the UK.

    Micki x

  2. Hey there, I'm truly sorry too that you are having a rough time right now. Please know that although I have no idea about raising children, teenagers can be difficult in general and words are always just words. I put my parents through some real crap when I was that age.
    Things can seem very dark at times and all you want to do is curl up in a corner and cry....I've been there! It really sucks to hear people say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel etc..but there is!
    I am here for you if you ever need to vent...and you will always be heard...

    Love and hugs from Toronto. xoxo Charmaine

  3. I am sorry you are having a hard time. I assume that your step son is maybe more Asbergers than autistic since you said he is high functioning and verbal. I work with special needs preschoolers and have worked with older special needs kids in the past-many of them on the autism spectrum so I understand what you are dealing with. Let me just say that it is difficult being 13 for ANY child since they are experiencing so many changes emotionally and physically. In your stepson's case he may cognitive enough to be feeling that he doesn't fit in with his peers as he should and it is causing him some frustration--this in turn causes his bursts of anger toward you (remember-"you always hurt the ones you love") and you are most likely his comfort zone where he can let off steam without repercussions. Please don't take it personally-I know it's hard! Maybe you should talk to his case manager or resource teacher at school and ask if he/she has noticed any changes, that person could give you some insight and possibly help you work out some helpful tecniques in dealing with this. Also, don't be shy about seeking some family counseling. That can be very helpful. Good Luck--and don't be too hard on yourself
    Hugs, Cris

  4. you are so brave.... thanks for sharing what we all are not brave enough too... that self doubt thing gets us all..... it is just a patch.... be there .. your constant presence and love are the key to unlock your autistic son.... all my love ...

  5. bless your heart and you're such a wonderful Step sorry that you are having a rough time right now....

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  7. I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time, you're a brave woman, and such a wonderful person; I say this because it's not easy to deal with this challenge; I used to have a lovely student who was autistic. Having him in class was a blessing, even though sometimes it was very hard for me and the other teachers to deal with the situation, we were also frustrated and wanted to cry sometimes, but when he made any little progress, we celebrated and felt so happy and we thought that our work was worth it. This was just my experience as a teacher, I imagine being a mom is even harder, but I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job; you're very inspiring!
    I also wanted to thank you for your sweet words in my blog, it means a lot to me that you like what I do.
    Have a lovely weekend!

  8. I COMPLETLY understand.



    I am sure adding your stepson with autism to teenagers is just plain difficult. And it would be K if he was your natural born son or not.

    You can do it.

    Love Renee xoxo

  9. My heart goes out to you. I am a step-mom without kids of my own and I (so) often feel just the way you described. I worked as a special ed teacher and have worked with many with kids with autism and the truth is for me, it was always hard. And they were not living in my home. Thanks for being so honest. Sending love...


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