so i am feeling the need to strip down a bit and bare a tad more of my personal life in this post.
i have had one of those icky, gross, frustrating days...or maybe weeks...i don't know. i feel really alone right now and misunderstood. i feel frustrated and suffocated. i feel anger and deep sadness. and in all of that, i also feel numb. i realize that sounds odd but it is the best way i can describe it.
see, i have a step-son who is autistic. He is high functioning and will be turning 13 in less than a month. i love him more than anything but would be lying if i didn't say there were times where it can be really difficult and there are those times i question if i can do it...if i can really be the step mom that he needs. yes, i can certainly LOVE him but can i truly fulfill that role of mother? i have spent some time over the last two days crying about this. he lost his mom to cancer over 3 years ago and graciously accepted me as his step mother. however, as of late he has been going through some rough patches and showing some anger that i have not been accustomed to with him. quite honestly, i am not sure how to handle it. i feel every attempt i make, seems to be the wrong way of handling it. i want, as i feel all of us women want, to be able to just handle everything, go with the flow, accept, not take all the hurtful words personal, surrender...but sometimes i just can't. sometimes i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. sometimes i just want someone to look at me and say "i COMPLETELY understand". sometimes i just want to know that how i am doing things is okay and it will all turn out okay. sometimes i don't want to do anything. sometimes i just want to be. and sometimes as my sketch shows, i just want to be HEARD, not just listened to, but HEARD.